Somewhere in my childhood I began longing for a halcyon other world devoid of poop. Thus, I was never able to come to terms with the fact that I had this bodily function like all living things. I realize that to you readers, this might not make any sense, but I am largely terrified that people can imagine me on the toilet eliminating waste from my body, thus nourishing the earth with my human manure.
Additionally, I admit to having an aversion to bowel movements that do not manifest on the home throne. Truly, only the private chambers afford a proper atmosphere for elimination at a relaxed leisurely pace. To be honest, I rarely even use the word "toilet" unless I am angry and it slips out in a fit of rage. Using the term "commode" may sound old fashioned, but has always been my more sanitized go-to, rather than the word that sounds like toity toity. It saves face in polite conversation whenever I am referencing the bathroom. Many times, I'll also place my flattened hand perpendicular to my mouth as I say the word, in an effort to shield my message from any nosey people who might be able to read lips.
Now, life being what it is, there were always exceptions to my home throne rules, for who really knows which direction the high winds will be blowin' on any given day? To compensate, I grew accustomed to carrying an extra set of shoes with me wherever I ventured out of my home, just in case I was forced to visit a public restroom who's designs most often allow other occupants of the lavatory to clearly see user's feet as they are perched on the bowl doing their business. Because the shoes are exposed, any privacy afforded by the stall is severely compromised.
Now because I am known for selecting footwear that's eye-catching and memorable, I became somewhat forced into a shoe-changing routine for public bathrooms. But this is the only way of thwarting the overly observant women from later tracking me down based upon her recollection of my shoes while sitting on the bowl. Toting a drab set of footies or Jellies (perfect shoe for this as they are lightweight and easily stowable) has saved me countless embarassments of this ilk. Now, of course I am old, so this all has changed slightly with the incorporation of Depends into my toilette routine. My feet have also been paining me terribly, I cannot always be bothered toting the extra shoes, but for years I have kept a second pair in the car, as a woman never knows.
Yours in the Love of Christ,
Mrs. Walter J. Katsellas, Jr.