Saturday, June 23, 2012

Valley Lesbian Comes Out of the Closet

Now you all have heard me mention my ladyfriend Josie Scarnulis plenty of times before. Over the last few months, her behavior has gotten strange.  Every other Saturday, she and I used to see Roberta over at the Narrows for a wash and set, then we'd drive to Sizzle-Pi on the way home for lunch.  Roberta would even come along sometimes. Well that all stopped 2 months ago, and I now understand why.

Josie is now wearing a crew cut.  Like me, she grew up in the Wyoming Valley as a God fearing Roman Catholic, but unlike me, her voracious humor and sheer beauty made her much more of a success at it than I.  She's buried 2 husbands, and has grandchildren in their 30's who are all respected pillars of the community. Chet Scarnulis was the nicest man you'd ever want to know and he sure did treat Josie good in those last years before he succumbed to an accidental poisoning at his workplace.  She says that she's been lesbianese for quite some time and Chet even knew about it, but she never told me because she feared what I had to say.

(Now I'm reminded of last year when  Josie and I took a trip to Atlantic City, and how she woudln't let me change into my swimsuit while she was in the room, by explaining a new form of modesty on her part. She also stayed in a private room with Nancy Ansinanski, of whom I don't approve, due to her Wiccanism.   It was in their hotel room that I noticed a vcr tape of TheBoys in the Band; something also at the time, I found objectionable.)

I marvel at all these years that I didn't know about her being a lesbian, or the fact that (it finally dawned on me!)  Josie and Nancy are a lesbian couple! Lesbian this. Lesbian that. Everywhere I turn I see Lesbians. My daugher has been this way for many years and has begun lording it over me lately, and now my best friend from cradle to grave its gonna be came out as a lesbian too. It all had me in a very anxious mood. It is not often that I so focus on sex, but anytime you mention those gays, my mind immediately goes to the magnitude of their private acts.

Nobody should be given a free pass to premarital sex either. If the gays could simply remain chaste, like all unmarrieds, there wouldn't be any problem. But no. Here they are enjoying an unGodly smorgasbord of consistent unmarried pleasure, mocking the pure, who choose to remain Vestal like the unopened rosebud on her sanctified wedding day. Yes I know I sound old fashioned, but premarital sex is still a sin, so when the gays do it, I would guess it's even moreso of a sin, due to the ignominious nature of such genital pairings.

I was so very agitated, to my Parish Priest I went.  The lines for Confession have been dreadful since the merger of my church St. Chmieloski's with The Church of the Black Madonna, a lower end Parish past the tracks.  Now there's so much foul language in the lines for Confession, it's enough to make St. Cunegunde, our new patroness, frost over in her ancient grave.  Because of the coarse profanity and teeth gnashing, I dread going to Confession.  I sweat profusely, and today was worse as I was also preparing to cut Josie out of my life entirely. I felt so terrified and alone in my courage to stand up to the Gays and Lesbians, speaking out God's Truth.   Deep down I was sad.  Could I change my mind and now declare that all lesbians were good people?  Or might that render meaningless the entire life of turmoil I created for my daughter in retaliation for her lesbianism?  Foryousee, if I choose to  keep Josie, shouldn't I have been nicer to my very own flesh and blood lesbian Betko?  I cried so many days over all of this in a continual sweat.

I didn't arrive at that decision overnight, but since I ultimately decided against keeping Josie in my life,  I broke down crying and begged palliation.  My tears accidentally destroyed the double-blind confessional privacy when I also (accidentally) let Josie's name slip.  I am sincerely hoping Monsignor Wasileski upholds his Churchly Ethics and does not share with anyone the lesbian earfull I had just thrust upon him. Once I realized that I had become a terrible gossip, I began to hyperventilate, as a precaution.  I also told him my own name too.

Thence, I fled the confessional for fresher air, and awaited another spot in line--at the very end of a very long line of sinners.  Jeepers it was crowded.   I explained to Wasileski that I was back and he told me to keep lesbianism confidential and not to burden Josie if I had a problem with it, and that I should mind my own business. I was shocked.  I was surprised by what appeared to be a sudden change of heart amongst my clergy.  Will I next consult with the Bishop, or maybe the Pope in Rome?  Just to verify that this Priestly advice about gays is indeed kosher?

In the meantime, I had no plans for today, and Josie called me up because she baked some Pagatch, and she knows how much I love it.  I took some butter over there and we had a long discussion about what we mean to each other. Nancy was not around.  Josie told me that when my Betko had a crisis with her lesbianism, she went out there to Los Angelos to help her, and that was awfully nice.  I had no idea that she even did that.  I am glad that she was able to assist my daughter at a time when my strict devotion to the Lord forbid me to fraternize with fringe elements of society.

But friends, Eighty five years of self induced agony in the Luzerne County have landed me into analysis. I am now seeing an analist, which has been very helpful.  It seems that everyone around me are either Lesbians or dead, and it is like I have no choice but to somehow accept all lesbians, because I know Josie from up the street my  whole life long and I know she's a good woman, and I don't want to lose her.  I told her that I would need some time, and that my analist might help me.  I mentioned that I think I will need to start watching Ellen, and then we hugged, but I didn't make it a warm, lingering hug, lest her mind wander onto me as an object of affection.

Yours in the Love of Christ,
Mrs. Walter J. Katsellas, Jr.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're a sick, depraved woman. You DO need the help of an analyst. The gall on you to sign "yours in the love of Christ" when NOTHING you do is christ-like. You're too stupid to even realize how ashamed of yourself you should be.