Last week, I finally got back at that 10 year old stinker Marvin Yadurnyak for his ongoing awful behavior each Sunday at Mass. Now I know he is mildly retarded, but everyone must sit still and behave in the House of the Lord! Now mind you I've occupied the same pew, 3 rows back from the altar, every day for several years. I will not change what I'm doing on account of this little boy's needs, because I am a respected pillar of courage and esteem at St. Kinga's of Swoyersville, PA, newly formed in a Godly corporate merger earlier this year.
Nowthen. I always keep hard tack candies in a ziplock baggie in my purse to combat dry mouth, or to offer to the girl Lurana at the Bank when we stand there chatting after I deposit my check each month. Her breath is so bad, I had to begin toting extra mints for her. As a matter of record, I now offer mints to anyone I encounter who may have offensive breath as a sort of courtesy. Anyhow, four days ago, Marvin reached into MY purse and helped himself to a peach blossom and pinwheel mint. His mother watched, I suppose? She is totally unfit, so much so that I was forced to approach her about this matter of theft using my cane for protection, in case things got ugly. And believe you me, things got ugly.
The consecration is the holiest part of our worship service where God turns into bread and water for us, and a time when I am generally consumed with my meditations. Imagine then, how violated it made me feel to learn the candy was stolen while I was occupied with prayer. A woman’s purse was violated!
It would have been unacceptable behavior for me to break my Sacred concentration, so I didn’t actually see Marvin steal my candy, I just know that he did. I was so mad after church, I had to give his unfit mother of his a piece of my mind, and I could not believe it when she laughed it off. This is when I waved my cane at her and screetched at her not to mess with Mrs. Walter J. Katsellas, Jr.! I raised my voice for effect, which caused some stragglers on the church steps to also look at the young girl and her hoolegan with a stinkeye disdain similar to my own.
She allowed her son Marvin to open a ladie's private purse and examine the contents and steal? No way Dear Miss Yadurnyak. She mumbled that he was a little boy and that I shouldn't be so worried, and that I needed to chillout! Once my next door explained to me what ‘chillout’ meant, I knew that I had to act as moral compass, and issue swift justice.