Sunday, June 23, 2013

Mortified to learn that Liberace was gay.

I feel swindled to learn that the whole time Liberace was enticing us with his virtuoso every week on tv, that the entire time I was going mad for him, he only had the secret longing in his heart for men!  What a silly old fool I am.    I guess I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back,  Liberace had once occupied a tiny space in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever cheat on my late hubby in any thought word or deed, and Walter was an absolute angel to tolerate some of my whims.  But I mostly took to daydreaming about the gentle and friendly Liberace when hanging clothes on the line or folding laundry or breastfeeding my first born Betko.  Walter Jr. did not get any mother's milk from me.  For reasons unknown, I was dry as Henry's Colliery by the time he came along, and any time he tried to latch on, I had to swat him away.    Now that I think about it, the Liberace dreams were never sexual in nature.  Rather, my fantasies only involved me sipping a cool drink with a straw while relaxing on the divan as he would play soft tinkling melodies for me.  Liberace always knew what song I needed and he knew when I needed his singing the most.  For many years in my womanhood, I was unhappy, prone to crying and hysteria.  When the doctors couldn't figure it out, when they tried to have me placed in a long-term "care facility" for "evaluations," I dug my heels in deep to my religion and decided to forego treatment for mentality illnesses and instead trust in the Lord, lest people in the community talk badly about me as a person deep down inside.

When I fantasized about Liberace, it didn't ever conjure the same things in my loins that my Walter provided.  Then again if I wanted to be truthful here, I should admit to perhaps a few occasions when Walter was bearing into me, that I stopped pretending I was enjoying myself and tried to imagine it was Liberace instead.  Normally though, this Liberace fantasy never went to a sexual realm.  But whenever I hear that song about I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you, I do feel haunted.   

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